Lexx And The Many Obscure References
by Spoofmaster
Summary: Prince has an idea to torment the crew of the Lexx for no reason.


Okay, I know, I already have an ongoing story. Well, I'm writing this now anyways. No worries, it'll only be one chapter, and then I'll go back to finish Inu-Yasha on the Hellmouth.  
  
Oh, yea, and this story is co-written between my brother, MysticButtCrystal, and I, like that Mario one we did. Fun fun fun. It takes place during the fourth season of Lexx. We do like Lexx, though; we're just abusive because we're fooling around. Same with the work of Rumiko Takahashi.  
  
Disclaimer: We do not own Lexx or Rumiko Takahashi, or any of the stuff she writes. Think how weird it would be if we owned Rumiko Takahashi. Our very own middle-aged Japanese woman! #################  
  
  
  
On board the Lexx, Stan and Xev were arguing about sex, just like they always do. Once again, Stan felt that it would be real horrorshow if Xev would ride his Tower of Power. Xev, as always, felt that this would not be advantageous, and she would rather find some random guy on Earth to do the job. Kai was "asleep" in his Cryopod, ready to pop out the moment Stan and Xev had gotten themselves in cliché jeopardy, like they did every other day, plus always on Tuesday. 790 continued to spout low-quality rhymes about committing unspeakable acts of love on Kai. The Lexx himself was wondering in his disproportionately small brain whether he would get to eat anything tasty, or if he was going to go hungry for another season.  
  
Meanwhile, Prince realized that he had not done anything evil or obnoxious in the last five hours, and, for whatever reason, should do something unpleasant to the crew of the Lexx. However, he could not think of anything to do, and thusly awaited inspiration.  
  
Elsewhere in the fortress of the ATF, a random nameless guard skimmed the copy of Inu-Yasha Volume 2 he had snuck into work. Damn, was he nameless. However, he did know his job, and he did know how to wait for his comrades to finish being beaten up before attacking the heroes, so it did not matter that he had no name, and lived in a broom closet. It was amazing that he was not in his closet today, since he was usually stored there in between being called upon for participation in pathetic action sequences. All this aside, he most definitely was not in his broom closet, and he most definitely was reading Inu-Yasha.  
  
Suddenly, the PA system went off. "Attention! Nameless guard monkey number five-o-six, your Prince wants to see you immediately, so a plot device can be planted now. Report to his office."  
  
The nameless guard was shocked. Never in his life had he thought that he might be promoted from being a nameless guard to a nameless minor character! Maybe in the future he would be able to sleep in a bed and perform basic social interaction! As he headed obediently to Prince's office, a strange tapping alerted him, causing an exclamation point to appear above his head.  
  
"Huh? What's that noise?" said the nameless guard who lived in a broom closet. He investigated by looking around the big blocky structure to his right. But, because he was a total retard, Snake easily eluded him and left. The guard's fifty-nine second attention span wore off, and he continued toward Prince's office.  
  
"You took long enough," commented Prince. "We big scary bad guys have to kill our underlings from time to time to show that we are big scary bad guys who kill our underlings. We can't very well do that if our underlings are off running around in circles instead of coming to us to be killed."  
  
With that, he shot the nameless guard. Our nameless guard's pride soared the moment before his final death, elated with the fact that he had been promoted to paint job, and would forever be known as "poor doomed slob #7" on message boards.  
  
Prince looked at the corpse of the nameless guard who had formerly lived in a broom closet. He saw that when he had been shot, a book had come out of his shirt.  
  
"Ah, that must be the plot device," murmured Prince. "I guess I had better look at it. Oh, and I'll need to call someone to clean this up." He picked up the aforementioned book, and called in a cleaning lady.  
  
At first, Prince thought he was reading a book about a bunch of attractive women. But, he quickly discovered that all the males were just drawn disturbingly feminine. The one called "Sesshoumaru" was the worst of all, and was wearing what appeared to be a large feather boa.  
  
"This gives me an idea," thought Prince aloud, pausing to look at the disgustingly obese man who was engaged in regurgitating onto the cleaning lady. "I shall have to call Japan." #################  
  
  
  
Back aboard the Lexx, several sexual jokes and innuendos occurred, and 790 threatened to kill everyone. ################  
  
  
  
On the phone with the ruler of Japan, Prince managed to convince him that it was a matter of international security that he speak with Rumiko Takahashi. The Japanese ruler said they would ship her over right away, but that she must be returned intact, since she constituted a large portion of Japan's economy. When she arrived, and after Prince and several of his minions had opened the crate she came in with crowbars, Prince explained to her (in Japanese, he learned it in the five minutes after he called Japan) that he had some characters he thought she could redraw better. Then he used his devil powers (cause he's the DEVIL!) to put her in a strange, alternate universe, where Rod Serling's voice was continually broadcast, plots often revolved around Hitler, random objects flew by in space, and windows broke. There, she had an easel, and a picture of everything aboard the Lexx, which she was asked to redraw in her own style. Everything she drew would become the way she drew it, at least aboard the Lexx, but she didn't know it. She just thought the Americans were being weird again. ####################  
  
  
  
On board the Lexx, things were starting to look very strange. 790 was in the middle of some rant in which he was proving, once again, that he's a total jackass, when, all of the sudden, Stan and Xev noticed that a bunch of weird Japanese symbols had appeared on the side of him. And, no, we won't translate it, since it wouldn't be funny, since it was probably some stupid pun. Besides, we neither read nor speak Japanese. 790's eyes that he projected onto their little screens grew eyelashes, and the screens themselves became larger. Also, his head became more triangular.  
  
Xev looked very hot in her new Japanese girl's school uniform, which managed to have a skirt even shorter than on her old outfit. Stan, however, became much uglier, and got several feet shorter. He noted from his new height that Xev's torso had shrunk, but her legs had grown to be extremely long. The Lexx changed around them, becoming small, electric, and efficient. With eyelashes. Much like everything else in Japan.  
  
"What's going on?!" exclaimed Stan.  
  
"I don't know, Stanley, but you sure are ugly. And amazingly perverted- looking," commented Xev.  
  
"I know!" said Stan. "I'm getting this weird urge to run around stealing women's undergarments! My silky darlings!"  
  
"We should go wake up Kai," decided Xev, planting her boot in the middle of Stan's forehead as he lunged towards her skirt. "Maybe he'll be able to figure out what happened."  
  
She picked up 790, and they went to the cryochamber.  
  
When they got there, it was fogged up even more than usual, so they could not see Kai in the Cryopod. However, as it slowly hissed open, it became clear that Kai was very much in the cryochamber. Xev and 790 gasped at his changed appearance.  
  
Kai was seven feet tall. His bun was roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, and his braid fell well below his knees. His outfit was now ploofier than a satin pillow. He gazed at them with large, pointy, and disturbingly pretty eyes. Above each eye could be seen a line of green eye shadow. He blinked at them, revealing his curly eyelashes.  
  
"Wow, Xev, he's even prettier than you!" yelled Stan. "If I didn't know him, I would think he was a girl!"  
  
"The dead are not pretty." Kai said solidly. "What has happened?"  
  
"Oh, my darling delicious Kai, the Lexx began changing around me and these two worthless flesh sacks!" exclaimed 790. "I did not know it was possible, but you are even more wondrous than ever before!"  
  
He began to spout more low quality poetry, and Xev threw him across the room.  
  
"It's probably Prince," said Stan. "Only he could do something so stupid." He reached for Xev, and was hit again.  
  
"I see," said Kai.  
  
"See what, Kai? Do you know what it could have been?" asked Xev.  
  
"No. The dead just see."  
  
"Wow, something the dead actually DO? That's a first," snapped Stan. "So what are you going to do about it, Kai? We're incompetent and in need of rescue!"  
  
Back on Earth, Stan's voice was picked up by a super.voice...picking up.device, and the Thunderbirds were deployed to rescue them, all with a huge, annoying musical sequence. Sadly, the pool did not slide aside right when Thunderbird 1 flew up, the palm trees did not part soon enough for Thunderbird 2, which had Thunderbird 4 in it, and Thunderbird 3 was just too damn ugly, so all four vehicles blew up, taking out the entire International Rescue secret island base in a huge orange fireball.  
  
"Oh, bother," said Lady Penelope, as the Lexx ate Thunderbird 5, ending a great history of rescue and Super Marionaction.  
  
Kai sighed. Today must be Tuesday, then.  
  
However, no one actually had to be rescued, because Rumiko's work was done, and, therefore, she was shipped back to Japan in a larger, less efficient American crate. There, she continued to make mangas until she was stepped on when Lyekka ate Japan and the end of the world came about. The crew of the Lexx just got used to looking like that.  
  
The End. 


End file.
